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Circle-Jerked
CRITIC A & CRITIC B in Circle Jerked
originally published in The Indie Theatre Times and Review October 2003
In early September, CRITIC A and CRITIC B joined the committee of the Montreal English Critics Circle Awards (MECCA). Astonished and dismayed at the reaction they received, they spent the rest of the evening drinking and cannot remember much of what happened.
Fortunately, though, they were able to give us this report with the help of a hidden tape recorder in CRITIC B’s pocket and a digital camera a table away. Portions of the tape are inaudible and will be presented as (…..).
CRITC C is Jason Whiting of HOUR Magazine, CRITIC D is Amy Barratt of the Montreal Mirror and CRITIC E is Matt Radz of the Montreal Gazette. Although the other seven remain unknown, we’re pretty sure CRITIC I works for Radio Centre-Ville. It is interesting that there were ten people there, as Gaetan Charlebois was absent and there aren’t that many English theatre critics in town to begin with.
We will continue to study the tapes in hopes of identifying the others. If you feel you might be able to give us a hand and would like a copy of the video, please contact us.
Setting: Le Commsensal restaurant, St. Denis, Montréal. 8:45 pm, September 8th, 2003.
CRITIC A: Okay,
we’ve got our coffees, now downstairs to join the MECCA Awards circle. I
hope we aren’t too late.
CRITIC B: I’m
sure it will be fine.
(THEY ENTER THE MEETING AND SIT DOWN)
Sorry we’re late. Really, really, really sorry we’re late!
CRITIC A: I’m
so sorry!
CRITIC B: We’re
CRITICS A and B of THE INDIE THEATRE TIMES AND REVIEW and I sincerely
apologize for our tardiness. I mean, this guy, he lost control in the car
and…
CRITIC F: Why are you sitting at our table?
CRITIC B: We’re
CRITICS A and B, THE INDIE THEATRE TIMES AND REVIEW, here!
(CRITIC B HANDS THE OTHER CRITICS COPIES OF OUR PAPER)
CRITIC G: Try
next year, there’s no latecomers at this meeting.
CRITIC B: There’s
no latecomers?
CRITIC A: You
mean we’re going to have to start all over?
CRITIC B: What
category are we on, now? We could stick with the category we’re on, we
could vote on that, and all is good, all is good! I don’t…
CRITIC H: This is really amusing, but you’re disturbing us.
CRITIC B: Disturbing
you?
CRITIC H:
Yeah, you are.
CRITIC B: But
we’re CRITICS A and…
CRITIC I: Then vote for yourselves and then go.
CRITIC B: Vote
for ourselves? Are we going to be able to vote? What are we voting on
now?
CRITIC H: You
really are disturbing us, you’re infringing on our meeting and we have a
lot of work to do.
CRITIC B: But,
we’re supposed to vote!
CRITIC H: We
don’t know who you are, you know, we didn’t invite you here…
CRITIC B: We’re
CRITIC A and CRITIC B…
CRITIC H: (…..) We all know who we are.
CRITIC I: CRITICS
A and B, you’ve got to have longer names!
CRITIC B: No,
we have good enough names…
CRITIC A: They’re fine, sir!
CRITIC H: We’d be happy to have you, but we don’t know who you are, you’re wearing weird masks, (…..) and, you know, we’re halfway through our meeting, we’re not going back.
CRITIC B: I said we’re sorry we’re late, you don’t have to…, your old decisions are fine.
CRITIC H: If
you have an e-mail, we’ll take your e-mail (…..) we’re open, but you’re
coming in the middle of a meeting.
CRITIC B:
I said we’re sorry
we’re late.
CRITIC G: You’re
not part of the meeting and, so, please, stop it…
CRITIC B: But, I apologized, I, I don’t understand.
CRITIC A: Quite
the bias on short notice!
CRITIC B:
We’re a little late,
you know the car stopped down, and now we’re forced to leave, and I
don’t understand this, I mean we bought our coffees, we’re…
CRITIC I: Its
not a question of semantics, we’re anti-semantic.
CRITIC B: Anti-semantic? Really, really, can we put it in the paper that the MECCA awards are anti-semantic?
CRITIC I: Once
you learn how to pronounce it.
CRITIC B: Yes
I admit my pronunciation, I had a few wounds of Vodka before this, I
really seriously apologize.
(…..)
CRITIC A: This
is, after all the Montreal English Critics Circle Awards, and we’re both
Montreal English critics.
(…..)
CRITIC B: I
apologized we were late, I mean, God, is there anything to drink here?
Can we get alcohol?
CRITIC A: Quiet.
CRITIC B: You’re
always the leader!
CRITIC A: You’re
always apologizing.
CRITIC B: I
just want to drink my coffee. Look, we want to vote, too. I don’t
care if you’ve already done some votes, we just want to add our…
CRITIC H: But
you’re not part of this group. We don’t know you, we don’t know your
paper. We don’t trust you. We have an embargo on this. We’re not
going to…
CRITIC B: But we’re CRITICS A and B.
CRITIC H: We
have an embargo on this information and we’re not going to give it out
to anyone else that we don’t know.
CRITIC B: Well,
read our paper, you’ll see we’re real, we’re not making this up.
CRITIC C: You
don’t understand the word embargo.
CRITIC B: You
don’t understand the word embargo?
CRITIC C: No,
you don’t understand the word embargo.
CRITIC B: I
don’t understand the word embargo. Okay, I could look it up in a
dictionary if you really want me to. (aside) Big talk for someone who
publishes one review as often as we publish three – once a month.
(CRITIC J UNMASKS CRITIC B, THEN CRITIC A)
We’re here to work, we’re not here for fun, I don’t understand this
we’re…
CRITIC I: Its not fun for us.
CRITIC B: I’m
drinking a coffee, I want to be drinking a beer, for crying out loud.
(CRITIC D GETS UP AND GOES OVER TO CHASTISE CRITIC B, BABY IN HAND)
CRITIC D: Let me just say that we don’t want to play.
CRITIC B: You don’t want to play? (aside) What a wonderful thing to say to a child!
CRITIC D: We
really don’t.
CRITIC B: We’re
not here to play. Are we here to play?
CRITIC D: I thought that was your schtick, “we want to play.”
CRITIC B: We’re not trying to play, we’re just here because it’s the MECCA Awards, obviously.
CRITIC D: Yeah,
could you leave, though?
CRITIC B: Could we leave?
CRITIC D: Could
you leave, please and let us get this done?
CRITIC B: We
want to help you, we want to help you get this done.
CRITIC D: Okay,
they’re not leaving, so we’re going to have to leave.
CRITIC B: No,
no, we want to get this done.
CRITIC E: You
guys are not doing yourselves much of a favor by assaulting this
group, by provoking us.
CRITIC B: We’re
not trying to assault you, sir. We just…
CRITIC E: But we said okay, the game’s over, goodbye.
CRITIC H: If
you were to have applied through normal channels (…..)
CRITIC E: You’re
working on getting publicity for yourselves, you’ve just alienated
every person who writes…
CRITIC B: We’re not trying to alienate, we just want to participate, sir. I don’t understand.
CRITIC E: Well,
members of this particular circle are saying we don’t want your
participation.
CRITIC H: And
if you want to participate, then do it in an organized fashion, leave
us your information (…..)
CRITIC E: You
guys are working with the piano guy, or what?
CRITIC B: I
wish! He’s good, he’s ecstatic, isn’t he?
CRITIC I:
He’s in better taste than
you guys.
CRITIC B:
Maybe that’s so, but he’s
very good, sir, he’s very, very good.
(…..)
CRITIC H: The
circle is open to anybody that’s a theatre critic, if you had just
contacted us through normal channels, we could have worked something
out. You barge into our meeting, we don’t know who you are, you’re
wearing stupid masks…its inappropriate!
CRITIC A: (aside)
Hmm, theatre is inappropriate at a theatre critics’ meeting.
Interesting…
CRITIC F: Anyone
who wanted to join does. Its like I said, McGill people come when
they feel like it, Concordia…
CRITIC I: We even had Dawson one year.
CRITIC F: Yeah,
exactly. I don’t know who you think we are or what we do, but we’re
open to people.
CRITIC B:
Fine, if you want us to
leave, its understood, you don’t want us here…
CRITIC A: Our e-mail addresses are on the publication, maybe next year.
CRITIC H: Cool,
thank you very much.
(THEY LEAVE THE CIRCLE)
CRITIC B: I
need a drink!
CRITIC A: As
do I. We must not, though, forget the lesson we have learned here
tonight. To be accepted as a theatre critic in this town takes much
more than a love of the craft or the art in general. In fact, it
takes an utter disdain for all things theatrical and different when
not seated in an established venue whose shows you are allowed to vote
on. It takes a unique form of complacency mixed with self-importance
that only a select few possess. Although the MECCA Awards have lost
touch with their Islamic heritage, I will not lose touch with what I
have learned. I will be the perfect corporate critic, I will only
vote by raising my hand in secret to all but those whose glares can
affect my decision. I will change my ways! Unless, of course, I
drink myself silly tonight and forget what I have just said.
"CIRCLE JERKED: A CORPORATE CRITICS' CRITIQUE" by Donovan King